What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 16:23
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
What did i know ?
Especially a lifetime of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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I said to her
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She loved him until the end.
I have no regrets .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was 9 years of age.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My life is so biszare .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Is there a correlation between being a medium and mental health?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im still living with it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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I was very sick at this time too.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I could never make a relationship work though!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was seconnd youngest,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is soul school!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But, we were locked up after school.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But it wasn’t much.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I waited trembling.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I write beautiful poetry .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So whats the point in blame.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She found it foreign!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I will be 64.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I don,t even have a pension.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i do to all so called friends.?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She wouldn,t have been !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My family never makes their pension either.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
When she asked me how she looked .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
All the time i was locked up.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was scared of men, in general
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We were not on the streets..
Comes on , in middle age.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was in good health!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We all went to grammer schools
Would this be the day?
She married twice! .
It was going to be , some day.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Put me off passion for life!!
Who then, do I blame.?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One cannot live in the past .
And i lived it daily.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I think the readers, may guess!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ive learnt so much.